Blame, Guilt and Peace

I’m Lauren, a wife and stay at home mom to two little kiddos. We live in Texas. I have a new found love for being home with my children. I’m embracing everything about this time in my life, sleepless nights, yucky messes and all. I love how the Lord uses all of our difficulties in life as stepping stones to bring us closer to Him.  https://letfaithgrow.wordpress.com/

Thank You Lauren for sharing a very real and honest story about your struggle.

I am not in any position to tell anyone how depression works. I don’t know how depression works. I just know I was healed from it. The Lord knew I was hurting, even when no one acknowledged my pain, He did. I mattered to Him and His love healed me. He knows my name.

I was twenty three years old with two babies two years apart. How blessed was I! Except I felt anything but blessed, I honestly felt cursed. My babies were planned, I wanted this. At least I thought I did.

I would confess my desperation to anyone who would listen. Not because I meant to or even wanted to, but because I was so filled with despair that it would just spill out of my mouth. Fortunately typing requires more thought, otherwise all of social media would have known my secret.

My mother was in remission from breast cancer and my sister had just had a miscarriage. My depression seemed like a joke in comparison, even to myself. Stories I would share about my daily life were always considered humorous, I was told “Ha-ha. Oh Lauren, you did this to yourself”.

During this time blame and guilt consumed me, until His almighty peace took over.

Blame:

I blamed my unhappiness on everyone I loved. My toddler, yes I blamed him. He made more messes than I could keep up with and refused to potty train until the moment I sat down to nurse the baby. He demanded my full attention and threw a powerful tantrum daily.

My baby, yes I blamed her too. She kept me up most hours of the night and sometimes woke up her brother. During the day she was too busy listening to her brother to focus on nursing. She cried every time I put her down. I invested in every kind of baby carrier that existed hoping to find one that wouldn’t make my back hurt while carrying her all day.

Most of all I blamed my husband. He put our children and his new job before me. He didn’t have time to feed the dog or take out the trash like he did before his new job. He worked late most nights and occasionally missed dinner. He was so busy and caught up with his new career, he forgot my birthday.

I would cry out to Lord for help every single day. He always sent help but I was always too blind to see it. He was always there listening and comforting me although I always thought I was alone. I was not.

The blame soon dissipated but it wasn’t over, I was soon overcome with guilt.

Guilt:

I realized it was not my children’s fault I was hurting. My toddler needed his mommy to clean up his messes and give him hugs to sooth his tantrums. I felt unworthy to have a toddler that was so full of energy and imagination. My baby depended on her mommy to comfort and nurse her back to sleep. I felt unworthy to have a baby who loved to cuddle and be near her mommy.

My biggest and most difficult realization was that it was not my husband’s fault. He needed his wife to be understanding and know that he’s having a hard time with his new job and that most nights he didn’t sleep well either. I felt unworthy to have such an honest and hardworking husband.

I found a prayer I wrote to the Lord during this time of realization:

 

Lord,

So here I am, you have given me everything I have asked for. And still I find more to want. I want to look to you and only you. I depend on my husband so much and he just cannot fulfill my needs. I need you. I nag him so much and I always feel forgotten. Please fill my void with your love Lord. I am hurting so badly. I’m sorry for being ungrateful. I need you to be my strength, love and best friend. I need you to be his strength, love and best friend as well. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

 

Peace:

I was so ashamed that I ever had such negative feelings toward my loved ones. I was upset at myself for not living up to the standard I held myself to. I prayed many prayers of thankfulness hoping to make up for the blame. And then, He came to me like the great redeemer that He is and He covered me in His peace.

Suddenly I could see again. I could clearly see my purpose and that the Lord was with me all along. He reassured me that He gave me this beautiful family for a reason and that He personally picked me for this job.

His peace told me that I am worthy and to not be ashamed. He showed me I didn’t have to suffer anymore. Feeling His peace has helped me understand that true happiness in my life would be unreachable without His love.

Lauren you show God’s love, grace, and mercy with so much sincerity.

For More Stories about Depression

Free from the Prison Of Depression- Holly https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/10/free-from-the-prison-of-depression/

Not A Death Sentence – Sanjay                                       https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/04/not-a-death-sentence/

His Precious One – Kamea                                   https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/01/his-precious-one-kamea/

Depression and Victory Can Be Found In The Same Sentence- Desiree Taylor https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/depression-and-victory-can-be-found-in-the-same-sentence/

Pregnant and Depressed – Tanya                 https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/pregnant-and-depressed/

We Are Fearfully And Wonderfully Made Lisa https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/23/we-are-fearfully-and-wonderfully-made/

He Has Sent Us To Comfort The Brokenhearted Angel https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/21/he-has-sent-us-to-comfort-the-brokenhearted/

Killing My Critic – Rebeca https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/19/killing-my-critic/

GREEN GRASS FROM DEPRESSION Grace https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/18/green-grass-from-depression-series-grace/

I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU DECLARES THE LORD Jenny Cioto – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/12/i-know-the-plans-i-have-for-you-declares-the-lord/

THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED Jenny Shinsky – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/14/the-lord-is-close-to-the-brokenhearted/

STUGGLING MOM LIFT UP YOUR EYES Ginny – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/01/24/dear-struggling-mom-lift-up-your-eyes/  

SHAME IS LITERALLY KILLING PEOPLE Ginny – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/01/31/shame-is-literally-killing-people/

Lisa Brown’s Testimony Can Be Found In The Following Links

Frozen In An Icicle Of Depression

Frozen In An Icicle Of Depression-part-1-of-3

Frozen In An Icicle Of Depression-part-2-of-3

Frozen In An Icicle Of Depression-part-3-of-3

 Be sure to go see Tanya’s blog next week for another story about depression.  godscharacter.wordpress.com